Only Happy When It Rains

I was watching the very mediocre Something Borrowed on cable the other day (flirty, sexy, bitchy Kate Hudson is BFFs with bookish, cute Ginnifer Goodwin; Ginnifer has a secret affair with Kate's equally bookish, hunky fiancé; mayhem ensues), and it totally reminded me of how things were in my 20's with the never-ending, exhausting relationship drama; the worrying about my future; and the confusion, self-doubt, and sadness.

In the flick, Ginnifer and the fiancé are in love, but because he's engaged to Kate, they try to repress their feelings. Poor Ginnifer spends half the movie choking back tears as she watches Kate and her fiancé be all lovey-dovey. She walks down Manhattan streets crying in the rain, mourning the love she let slip away (she and nerd hunk liked each other first but both were too loser-ish to make the first move, so Kate swooped in and charmed the pants off him). 


Arrgghh, I wanted to strangle her! Oh, poor me...fret, fret, fret...I will never have the man of my dreams, I will never be truly happy, boo-hoo, my life sucks. So much pointless angst!


The truth is, I wanted to strangle her because she reminded me of...me. That's what I was like during my 20's--constantly stressing my relationship status and where my life was going. Do I like him more than he likes me? Do I sabotage relationships? Will I ever get married and have kids? Am I pretty/cool/sexy/interesting/smart/successful enough? 


I was so preoccupied worrying about my relationships and fretting that my life wasn't going the way I'd hoped that I couldn't see straight. Oh, sure, I put up a pretty good front. Most people probably couldn't tell I was total head case. 

Looking back, I want to slap myself across the face. What was I doing? I should've been basking in my life; I had a "great on paper" job at Scholastic (which, in reality, was horrible and demeaning), a cool apartment in the West Village, fun friends, plenty of disposable income...my youth. The world was my oyster, as they say. 

Shirley Manson, my 90's idol

But yet there I was, stumbling through my 20's all confused, down, and depressed--though I had no legitimate reason to be sullen. Sometimes I wondered whether perhaps I actually got off on the darkness and sadness. You know I love it when the news is bad./Why it feels so good to feel so sad./I'm only happy when it rains./Pour your misery down./Pour your misery down on me. 


Because when things were awful for real (like after 9/11), at least how I felt finally made sense. 


This wasn't clinical depression (I know the symptoms), but I walked around with a strange hollowness inside, and my head was a buzzing hive of doubt. I felt burdened by life and by what was expected of me (okay, what I expected of myself). Living my life just didn't feel the way I thought it should/would/could.


Occasionally, the burden would lessen (new & better job, vacation, marriage), but it always came back with a thud once the novelty wore off. 


Until, that is, I became pregnant with my first child. I was over-the-moon elated. And suddenly, it wasn't all about me anymore. By focussing on the life growing inside of me, I was finally able to get out of my head. The burden was lifted.


And it hasn't come back. 


Oh, sure, I still have "I'm Only Happy When It Rains" moments, but that's just it--they are mere moments (or, at worst, a day). I no longer spend the majority of my time in that dark place. 


These days, life is more "Here Comes the Sun."


And Ginnifer Goodwin's character? In the end she gets her man and lives happily every after. 

Don't Let the Sound of Your Own Wheels Drive You Crazy

If you'd asked me a few months ago what subject matter I'd be least likely to blog about, I would've answered, "Cars." (And I'm not talking about the movie.) As a rule, I don't think about cars, notice cars, or care about cars. Living in the city, I was car-less throughout my 20's.

But lately, because we have to purchase a new one (our current car's transmission is dying and costs too much to fix), my poor brain is full of nothing but Hondas, Mazdas, Toyotas, Fords...V6 engines, MPGs, horsepower, and finance charges. Bear with me....

Nothing brings out your inner teenager like buying a car. Just look around at all the middle-aged dudes out there driving sports cars and the young grandmas in their cute, impractical convertibles.

I should know...I've been arguing with myself over which car to purchase for a couple of weeks now. I have a few musts: mid-sized, 4WD, third-row seating, not a mini-van. A back-up camera would be nice. There aren't tons of cars in this category and I've test driven four so far.

Kia Sorento

My sensible mom side says, "The Kia Sorento is fine--it's not exactly luxurious but it's a solid car and one of the least expensive options."

My inner teen, however, has a something different in mind. She wants what everyone else has. And by everyone else I mean the other moms tooling around our little pocket of Westchester County.

And they all happen to drive Honda Pilots. So, of course, now I want one, too. I wish I wasn't such a copy-cat. It makes me feel like I did back in high school when all I craved was to fit in and wear the same clothes the popular girls were wearing. I've never been one of those people who thrived on bucking the trend.

Honda Pilot

The Honda Pilot has a lot going for it besides being the vehicle of choice for all the cool moms. Too bad it's more money than we want to spend: almost $10K more than the Kia Sorento. Sure, it's more luxurious inside, but 10 G's worth? Doubtful. It's also kinda huge--we don't even know if it would actually fit through our garage door.

But when my rational mom side starts talking, that's when my inner teen begins to beg and plead...because the car I most wanted when I was 18 was a Jeep. And the Pilot is slightly Jeep-ish (kinda, sorta) which makes me want it all the more.

Mazda CX-9

So my inner teenager is at war with my sensible mom side. I'm not sure who will win.

Maybe we'll split the difference with a Mazda CX-9. The basic model is a few grand cheaper than the Pilot but it's definitely cooler than the Kia. But then no one wins (except Mazda), and that's not right.

Buying a car is such a major purchase; I just want to make the right choice. I don't want to be overly extravagant but I also don't want to regret our decision and end up ogling every Pilot-driving soccer mom I see.

Sigh...can you tell I've never bought a car before?