What I Learned From Reading "Bossypants"

To all my funny and fiercely intelligent (yet awkward) friends from back in our Middle School days, here's something you should know: Tiny Fey is one of us!

She's an ex-geek, but she had just enough going on that she didn't end up a total loser. She took the pain and ostracism she experienced in her tween and teen years, mined it for material, and turned in into comedic gold.

The first thing I learned from reading Tina Fey's book Bossypants is how to prevent your dorky kid from getting so bullied that you have to switch school districts. Here's what Tina suggests. Your nerd spawn must:

1. Have a sense of humor;
2. Have a friend--just one is necessary, but it's preferable that he's gay;
3. Find one thing that he or she is good at.

I also learned how to raise a daughter who is "an achievement-oriented, drug-free, adult virgin" (something that all parents of girls want). Your daughter must experience and/or have:

1. Bad skin;
2. A childhood calamity (Tina Fey's face was slashed by a stranger);
3. A ridiculous amount of parental praise;
4. Involvement in local theater;
3. A strong father-figure/fear thereof.

Ms. Fey didn't lose her virginity until she was well into her twenties. Now, I certainly wouldn't wish a childhood calamity on my little princess, but nor do I want her starring in the 20th season of 16 and Pregnant. So I'm pretty much willing to try any old cockamamie idea if it might possibly spare my babygirl heartbreak and STDs.

I also learned that Tina Fey is a true child of the 1980's, as evidenced by this photo:

Tina Fey, 1988

As Tina explains, buying this white denim suit is the moment she associates with entering womanhood:

I bought it with my own money under the advisement of my cool friend Sandee. I wore it to Senior Awards Night 1988, where it blew people's minds as I accepted the Sunday School Scholorship. That turned-up collar. The jacket that zipped all the way down the front into a nice fitted shape. 

That's hard-core 80's right there.

I would recommend Bossypants to serious Tina Fey fans only. It's an amusing look at this talented lady's childhood, with anecdotes that anyone raised in the late 70's-early 80's will relate to. She also provides some interesting insider information: After 9/11, when Anthrax was found at 30 Rock (where SNL is based) Ms. Fey, who was then head writer and "Weekend Update" co-anchor, walked out and didn't return until Lorne Michaels sweet-talked her back.

But the book contains no real groundbreaking info, unless you consider the fact that Sarah Palin, when she appeared on SNL, offered her daughter Bristol to babysit Tina's toddler groundbreaking.

Don't pay full-price for the hardcover, but if you can get it from your local library, I promise you won't regret it: it's a great beach-read or a the perfect airplane companion. If you are a Tina Fey fan, don't miss it.

What I Learned Today: Sheep Hate Having Their Butts Shaved

Seven years ago today, my husband and I were married on Cape Cod. It was a beautiful thing. Our years together have been surprisingly harmonious considering: 1.) we are raising two small children, 2.) I am opinionated, 3.) I am bossy, 4.) I pretty much always think I'm right (though, to be honest, I really and truly usually am).

Did I remember it's our anniversary today? No, I did not.

To be fair, we don't usually celebrate our anniversary beyond a nice dinner out (sans kids). We don't exchange gifts or make a big deal out of it. This is the first time I've forgotten all about it, however. But this year was a tough one; with our anniversary falling on Mother's Day and all my attention focussed on Charlotte's birthday party, I plum forgot. Luckily, my husband did not; he made a dinner reservation at a restaurant we've been wanting to try and even booked the babysitter and everything.

Ladies, if you want a husband who will do nice things for you, marry a man with sisters. Mine has three, and so far, he's never forgotten a birthday, Mother's Day, or anniversary. He even remembers his sisters' and mother's birthdays, which is pretty impressive for someone with a Y-chromosome.

For Mother's Day, he gave me a lovely bouquet of flowers, two cool tops, and two interesting books (Tina Fey's Bossypants, which I can't wait to read, and a bio of Obama's mother, which will probably make me feel like an underachiever). And I got to pick our day's activity.

I chose the sheep-shearing/farmer's market at Muscoot Farm. Muscoot Farm, originally a "gentleman's farm" begun in the 19th century, is now open to the public and free. It's only 20 minutes away so I take the kids there all the time. Gavin loves the two huge Percherons and Charlotte adores the cows and ducks.

My favorites are the piglets, though the two giant Tamworth pigs haven't had a litter these past couple of years. It's too bad for Charlotte because pigs are her favorite animals, but she has yet to see a real-life piglet in her three short years on Earth. I keep hoping we'll show up at the farm one of these days and there'll be a bunch of adorable oinking piglets frolicking around, but I think they would've been born already if it was going to happen this spring. Bummer.

The sheep-shearing was interesting. I know it doesn't hurt the sheep, but their pleading baaas made it clear they didn't exactly love what was going on. In particular, they did NOT like it when the dude shaved around their anuses. Wow, those were some angry sheep! But I thanked them for sacrificing their wool so I could have a cozy blanket to keep me warm all winter, and I think that made them feel better. The kids got to take home a piece of freshly-shorn wool, which made it all worth it.

And at the farmer's market, I bought myself a Mother's Day present: some Hudson River Apricot Kir wine, which is chilling in the fridge as we speak.

All in all, a pretty darn good Mother's Day (if I do say so myself). Oh, yeah...and a nice anniversary, too.