Brown Paper Packages Tied Up With String

Method Bathroom Cleaner

I've slowly been going green for, oh, decades now, but for the longest time, I wouldn't give up my Tilex bathroom cleaner. My loyalty goes back to college days when the bathroom was so disgusting that you wanted to blast the crap out of it with the most toxic stuff out there. But those days are gone, and the bathrooms in our house are only mildly gross (5-year-old boys often miss the bowl). So it was finally time to green my bathroom cleaning, and a coupon for a Method product sealed the deal. However, I still wasn't convinced a non-toxic product would actually get rid of the soap scum and mold that quickly grows in the crevices of our limestone shower. The first thing I noticed when using Method's Bathroom Cleaner was the delicious eucalyptus-mint scent--it made me want to lick the walls. And that's when I realized: my nostrils weren't burning! I wasn't light-headed! The plant-based, non-toxic formula dissolves soap scum just as well as Tilex (maybe even better because now I don't rush the job to get away from the noxious fumes). $5.49

Migoga Marble Run

My son purchased this building set a few months ago using Christmas money from Great-Grandma. We had been to his friend's house, where they had a different marble run game (cheaper and flimsier, as it turned out). My son loved it, so I did some research online. The reviews of that product were horrible; the Migoga marble runs were reviewed favorably, however, so we purchased a set at our local toy shop. The marble runs come in various sizes, and some even have a motorized marble elevator thingy, but we got the medium sized, low-tech set called Vortis. My son has had hours of fun with this toy (and so have I). I'm pretty sure it teaches advanced mathematical skills--there's a lot of spacial and geometric calculations going on when you build a marble run. You can build one of four models pictured on the box (instructions are not provided--yay!) or else just build free-form. Then you race marbles (real glass ones, not crappy plastic like in some other sets) and see who wins. Sets run from $35 upward.

Benefit Moon Beam or High Beam

Okay, so I'm cheating with this one, because I haven't actually used this product yet. But I'm seriously just about to order it. I am excited about this product because, after months of watching American Idol and wondering how the hell Jennifer Lopez's skin looks that glowy and dewy (yet still remarkably un-Botoxed) when she's almost 42, I read that she uses a facial highlighter--something like Benefit's Moon Beam. I don't know for sure which exact highlighter she uses, because celebs guard their beauty secrets like Fort Knox, but the reviews of this product are excellent. Obviously, J-lo has the resources to purchase products and procedures that mere mortals can only dream of one day having, yet some of her signature radiance surely comes from using a facial highlighter like this one. Moon Beam has an apricot tone, while Benefit's High Beam is pinker. $24.00

What the F...ungi?

I saw a commercial the other day that made me laugh; it was a sarcastic laugh that fell into both the Holy-crap-now-I've-seen-everything! category as well as the How-stupid-do-they-think-we-are? one. It was for Aveeno Active Naturals Positively Ageless Rejuvenating Serum with...wait for it...SHIITAKE MUSHROOM COMPLEX.

Really? Because that's exactly what women are looking for these days: an easy way to smear fungi all over their faces.

According to the Aveeno website, shiitake mushrooms were first cultivated in Asia over 1,000 years ago, and were "recognized by ancient herbalists for their medicinal purposes." With this new product, Aveeno claims to have "captured the beauty-enhancing benefits of shiitake mushrooms in formulas that have been shown to enhance the youthful appearance of the skin." Okaaaaay....

I don't know why this latest concoction surprises me. After all, the skin-care and beauty industries have been marketing strange ingredients to consumers for years. Here's just a sampling of some of the odd ingredients in moisturizers, serums, and cosmetics being sold today:

-- Placenta: Because everyone wants skin as soft as a baby's, right?

-- Whale vomit: Called Ambergris, it's a scent ingredient used in perfume.

-- Cochineal beetles: Crush these suckers to get a lovely crimson hue for lipsticks!

-- Snake venom: Can reptile poison really smooth out wrinkles like Botox?

-- Egg whites: Called albumen, it constricts and firms (your wrinkles, supposedly) when dry.

-- Snail slime: Wow, anti-aging and anti-acne properties in one nasty snail secretion!

-- Caffeine: This vasoconstrictor reduces puffiness, rejuvenates, and is rumored to smooth cellulite.

Of course, this is nothing new. Quacks have been hawking snake oil and gullible pawns have been buying it up for centuries.

The term "snake oil" refers to traditional Chinese medicine made from the Chinese water snake, which was used to treat joint pain. It wasn't used in a derogatory way then, but the expression now refers to a product with exaggerated and unverifiable efficacy. (Sound like any products you know and use?)

Hundreds of years after the Great Chinese Water Snake Massacre, early North American settlers continued the tradition of patenting dodgy elixirs with dubious ingredients. One product called Stanley's Snake Oil, which was sold in the early 20th Century, contained the following frightening ingredients:

- fatty oil (most likely beef fat)
- red pepper (feel the burn!)
- turpentine (oil paint remover, people!)
- camphor (more burn!)

YIKES and OUCH, right? But apparently this is the same approximate composition of today's capsaicin-based ointments, though the fat is now usually vegetable based. But yes, turpentine is still used in many cosmetics and remedies (hello, Vicks Vapo-Rub)!

What it comes down to is that people have always been and probably always will be suckers for a sexy marketing scheme. We don't read or research the ingredients we're either slathering on our skin or tossing down our gullets.

And I guess when you compare it to whale vomit and and snail slime, a little fungi sounds downright appealing.