School Daze

Ack! I can't believe I'm already stressing my son getting into college...and he hasn't even started Kindergarten yet. It's going to be a nerve-wracking 13 years, that's for sure.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those Tiger Mothers who sign their two-year-olds up for Arabic classes or force piano lessons on 'em at age four. My son is smart but normal: he's five and just starting to read, and he only speaks one language. I want him to have a normal childhood and pursue those activities that truly interest him, regardless of what might look best on his college application.

But is playing dinosaurs and making pom-pom animals really putting my son on the Ivy League track?

And that's what it comes down to, folks. I went to an Ivy League university and I'll do everything in my power to give my kids that opportunity as well. Because, unlike the haters out there (you're all just jealous!), I believe that graduating from an Ivy League college opened many doors for me.

I was a driven teenager. I knew from an early age that I wanted to attend a top-notch university, so everything I did from then on was with my eyes on the prize. Sure, I enjoyed playing clarinet, but the only reason I busted my butt learning every single scale--minors included!--was so I'd earn a spot in the selective, award-winning concert band. Why? Because it would look good on my college app.

I was an excellent student--ranked #8 in my graduating class of 270 students--but nowadays even being Valedictorian does not guarantee a kid admittance to an Ivy. And besides my grades, I did everything else quite averagely: average soccer player, average clarinet player, average number of extracurriculars. My SAT scores were above-average but nothing spectacular.

There are high school seniors out there today who, with the same qualifications I had 24 years ago, wouldn't even get into one of my safety schools. So what does that mean for my kid? Things are bound to get even more competitive over the next decade, no?

I'm just afraid that, in order to be a competitive candidate, my son will have to sign up for every single club his school offers, speak multiple languages, be a musical virtuoso, have a .350 batting average on the varsity baseball team, and take five AP classes every semester. Not mention summer internships at the White House. Forget about how the heck my kid is supposed to deal with that workload, let's talk about how his MOTHER's going to hack it. Am I right, people?

Because I know, I JUST KNOW...it's going to be me gently nudging him to amp it up, me suggesting he join the f-ing Mathletes (may he forgive me someday), me helping him study for his APs. Did you know high school kids these days compile something called an Activity Sheet? It's essentially a resume for high-achieving teens without jobs on which they brag about how many Science Fairs they've won. Reading one can make your skin crawl.

I should probably not care what colleges my kids get into. I should probably not push them at all and just let them "follow their bliss" wherever it may lead them. But knowing myself, it's unlikely that will happen. I don't know what the answer is. All I do know is that it's a scary world out there...and it freaks me out that we are willingly sending our kids out into it.

What the F...ungi?

I saw a commercial the other day that made me laugh; it was a sarcastic laugh that fell into both the Holy-crap-now-I've-seen-everything! category as well as the How-stupid-do-they-think-we-are? one. It was for Aveeno Active Naturals Positively Ageless Rejuvenating Serum with...wait for it...SHIITAKE MUSHROOM COMPLEX.

Really? Because that's exactly what women are looking for these days: an easy way to smear fungi all over their faces.

According to the Aveeno website, shiitake mushrooms were first cultivated in Asia over 1,000 years ago, and were "recognized by ancient herbalists for their medicinal purposes." With this new product, Aveeno claims to have "captured the beauty-enhancing benefits of shiitake mushrooms in formulas that have been shown to enhance the youthful appearance of the skin." Okaaaaay....

I don't know why this latest concoction surprises me. After all, the skin-care and beauty industries have been marketing strange ingredients to consumers for years. Here's just a sampling of some of the odd ingredients in moisturizers, serums, and cosmetics being sold today:

-- Placenta: Because everyone wants skin as soft as a baby's, right?

-- Whale vomit: Called Ambergris, it's a scent ingredient used in perfume.

-- Cochineal beetles: Crush these suckers to get a lovely crimson hue for lipsticks!

-- Snake venom: Can reptile poison really smooth out wrinkles like Botox?

-- Egg whites: Called albumen, it constricts and firms (your wrinkles, supposedly) when dry.

-- Snail slime: Wow, anti-aging and anti-acne properties in one nasty snail secretion!

-- Caffeine: This vasoconstrictor reduces puffiness, rejuvenates, and is rumored to smooth cellulite.

Of course, this is nothing new. Quacks have been hawking snake oil and gullible pawns have been buying it up for centuries.

The term "snake oil" refers to traditional Chinese medicine made from the Chinese water snake, which was used to treat joint pain. It wasn't used in a derogatory way then, but the expression now refers to a product with exaggerated and unverifiable efficacy. (Sound like any products you know and use?)

Hundreds of years after the Great Chinese Water Snake Massacre, early North American settlers continued the tradition of patenting dodgy elixirs with dubious ingredients. One product called Stanley's Snake Oil, which was sold in the early 20th Century, contained the following frightening ingredients:

- fatty oil (most likely beef fat)
- red pepper (feel the burn!)
- turpentine (oil paint remover, people!)
- camphor (more burn!)

YIKES and OUCH, right? But apparently this is the same approximate composition of today's capsaicin-based ointments, though the fat is now usually vegetable based. But yes, turpentine is still used in many cosmetics and remedies (hello, Vicks Vapo-Rub)!

What it comes down to is that people have always been and probably always will be suckers for a sexy marketing scheme. We don't read or research the ingredients we're either slathering on our skin or tossing down our gullets.

And I guess when you compare it to whale vomit and and snail slime, a little fungi sounds downright appealing.