Because here's the thing: whenever I hear some awful story--say of a mother drowning her own children--I need to try to figure it out. Usually, it comes down to simple insanity. It's not as if I can relate to a mother who listens to and obeys the voices in her head instructing her to kill her kids because the world is a horrible place, the kids are cursed, and they'll be happier in heaven. But I can understand how mental illness can take over a person and make them do crazy things that they, in their deranged state, think will help.
You know what I'm saying?
Insanity that's directed inward or toward family I can...not understand, exactly...but I guess wrap my brain around how things could possibly get twisted that way in someone's head. Young women more often take their anger, hatred, angst, even mental imbalance, out on themselves (or their families). Eating disorders, body dysmorphia, cutting, suicide attempts: troubled women hate themselves first and foremost. Of course, this is horrible...but it sure beats shooting up a school.
Young women don't open fire on packed movie theaters or mow down classrooms of defenseless children. Yes, there have been women serial killers (only a few), but as far as I know, there have been ZERO female mass murderers. Correct me if I'm wrong.
What I will never, ever, ever understand in any way, shape, or form is how the insanity ends up turning outward in such a cold, impersonal way--like it too often does with disturbed young men. Adam Lanza didn't know those kids. And his mother wasn't even there; he'd already killed her. Why go outside the family?
So this is what I keep coming back to when I think about today: how have we so completely failed in the raising of our boys?
Because there's no way this is all nature, or hormones, or brain chemistry, or any of that crap. No way. A little bit, maybe. Yes, young men are more volatile and aggressive by nature than women. But how do they get to the point where they are walking into an elementary school outfitted like they are going into battle? How does a (I'm guessing) sad, lonely, angry, alienated 10-year-old boy turn into a murderous 20-year-old man? How can 10 years (or even 20) be enough time for things to go so horribly wrong?
How do these young men get this way? How many people had to have failed them as they navigated their way through childhood and adolescence for them to end up this way?
Every psychiatrist out there needs to put aside what they are working on to figure this out: what is the awful combination of factors that turns a young man into a ticking time bomb? Nothing seems more important right now.
Sure, there are other things we can do:
- YES, we need better gun control. I'd be happy if firearms were outlawed 100%, including hunting rifles and the like. BUT...a particularly motivated individual would always be able get his hands on one (or four)--or another equally destructive weapon--regardless of the law.
- YES, we need to be better educated about how to spot the signs that someone is about to blow. Because you know Adam Lanza gave off warning signs. Hey, maybe someone was even paying enough attention to notice. BUT...somewhere along the way, that someone--or, more likely, many "someones"--failed him.
Are these things maybe too little too late, though? Shouldn't we be starting at the beginning? How about we figure out what we are doing to create these unhinged killing machines in the first place and STOP DOING IT? Something is so, so broken here. But can we even figure out which part it is that needs fixing?
I don't know. But it just takes one look into my son's sweet, innocent, trusting face for me to know that we have to try. We need to help our precious boys.
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