Nothing a Little Trip to Provincetown Won't Fix

I took my kids to the dentist the other day, and when their checkups were done, the dentist let them pick out a toy ring as a treat. My son chose a grasshopper ring, while my daughter picked the pink gemstone one (surprise, suprise).

When we got home, I took my daughter's ring and playfully slipped it onto her finger. "There. Now we're married."

"Two girls would never get married," my son said knowingly.

"Umm...well...yeah, we'll talk about that another time," I lamely replied.

Should I read my kids
this book, perhaps?

It got me thinking: When is the right time to explain to one's kids that there are other ways a family can look besides the traditional One Mommy-One Daddy-Plus Kids model? My son is only five and barely understands the concept of marriage, so to explain all the possible variations would only confuse him at this point (I think).

Ideally, the conversation will occur naturally when he's a bit older--maybe he'll overhear something on the news about New York passing a Marriage Equality Act (soon, I hope!) and ask questions. Or maybe he'll make a new friend at school who just happens to have two mommies or two daddies (though it's unlikely in our traditional Westchester hamlet). Most likely however, it'll be one of our day trips into the city that will get my son scratching his head and wondering Hmmmm.

If we'd signed my son up for afternoon preschool instead of the morning session this past year, he would've learned pretty quickly that families come in many configurations:

One day last fall, I was looking through the preschool directory for a phone number to arrange a playdate for my son with a kid in the afternoon session. As I skimmed the list of names, I saw that three of the kids had the same hyphenated last name. Wow, triplets! I thought. But then I noticed that only two of these siblings had the same December 2006 birthday; the third was born in January '06, 11 months earlier. OMG, Irish triplets? The mom had one baby in January then got pregnant again immediately with twins? I shuddered at the thought, and couldn't wait to find out the deets at my son's playdate.

A few days later, I grilled the friend's mother about this unusual family. Turns out there's two moms! Which, though it makes way more sense than one poor mama birthing three babies in a single year, never even occurred to me (I'm ashamed to say). Everyone just seems so traditional and straight-laced around here (including me these days) that I never thought we'd actually have a same-sex couple living in our vicinity.

So that's good to know, because I'm all for diversity.

But my son doesn't know these kids and won't be going to school with them in the fall. Sure, I realize that he doesn't need to learn about "two mommies" or "two daddies" anytime soon, yet I'm also aware that it's best to teach kids about diversity early on.

And besides, all of my daughter's princess books aren't exactly helping the issue. The Disney Princesses are all poor/overworked/misunderstood at first, then WHAM!, they get fabulous new gowns & jewels, marry The Prince, and only then can they live happily ever after. There's just so much Boy + Girl = Happiness messaging (plus close-minded bullying) in the world that I worry my kids could end up ignorant and unintentionally hurtful if I don't say something sooner rather than later.

So then the question is this: How soon is too soon, and how late is too late?

S#*! the Big Sister Says

All this talk about bullying really bums me out. I posted about it before (here) but I can't get it out of my mind.

Bullying isn't just amongst peers, although that's what's covered by the media; it also occurs within families. Fighting and name-calling between siblings close in age isn't bullying, it's just normal, but what about when a few-years-older sister mercilessly teases her little brother? Does that count as bullying? Was I a bully to my brother? I think maybe I was...and I feel really guilty about it.

My brother is four years younger than me. I also have an older brother--we're just 15 months apart and were very close growing up. We did everything together, I think. My little bro came on the scene when things around the house were already pretty darn good. Perhaps I could've used a little sister, mostly because I wanted a tiny mannequin to dress up and a long head of hair to braid and style: a living doll. So yes, a second brother was kind of a disappointment, though the reality is that nothing is better to a four-year-old girl than a real live baby.

I have fond memories of singing the ABC song to him while my mother changed his diaper, and I recall the impressive arc of pee shooting into the air as he laid on the changing table. Better than a Betsy Wetsy doll!

My brother was almost as good as a sister. He grew long, blonde curls (hey, it was the 70's) and had huge brown eyes with thick, feathery lashes that elicited, "Oh, she's so cute!" from the old ladies at Stop-n-Shop. I always got a kick out of that. At home, I'd put barrettes in his hair and make him look even prettier.

But none of that was mean because he didn't know any better; he thought it was fun and was happy to be getting attention from his big sister.

The trouble started when he was four or five and figured out how to manipulate my father with his tears and tantrums. Imagine the scene: Shopping mall; dad and kids in Kaybee Toys; the two older kids understanding that this is a "looking" visit not a "buying" one; the little brother understanding this but not accepting it, throwing himself onto the floor while crying, screaming, and kicking his arms and legs; the unprepared dad caving in and purchasing desired toy; the little brother beaming while exiting the store holding a gigantic backhoe loader.

It brought the evil out of my well-behaved, good-girl self.

I called him stupid and told him he wasn't as smart as me and my older brother. Sometimes I'd get mad at him and just call him a brat, but that never got the rise from him that "dummy" or "idiot" did. I knew how to wound him. When his pet turtle died, I taunted him with, "Yay! Tommy the Turtle's de-eh-ed! He's de-eh-ed!" As my brother cried, I laughed in his face.

I wish I could say that our taunts (it wasn't just me...my older brother chimed in as well) didn't have a lasting impression, but I don't think that's true. My brother never thought he was smart. He didn't do great in school and acted like he didn't care. But I'm happy to say that he got his act together toward the end of his college career, was accepted by and graduated from (as Valedictorian no less!) an excellent dental school, and is now very successful.

Still, though...I don't think he considers himself to be as smart as he actually is. He's not at all bookish. He doesn't do crossword puzzles like me and my other brother. I can't help but think he'd be different if it weren't for my put-downs, that my bullying changed him...permanently.

And for that, I'm really, really sorry.

The Importance of Spirit Day

Today is Spirit Day: The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation is asking Americans to wear purple to show their support for efforts combating anti-gay bullying. Of course I support this, and I'm happy to wear purple today (it's my favorite color anyway). Spirit Day is a great idea--it brings attention to horrible stuff going on--but it's also sort of a shame that there has to be a day for something that should really just be common sense. "Do unto others" and all that. But since when do teenagers have a lot of common sense, right? Or some adults, for that matter.

Everything about high school is worse now than it was 25 years ago when I was there. College admissions are way tougher and kids are under all kinds of pressure to succeed academically, athletically, musically, and school-spirit-ally. Teens are peer-pressured to do a lot more than chug a beer or go to second base or shoplift some nail polish these days. But the increase in bullying--any kind, not just anti-gay--takes the cake.

At least I think there's been an increase in bullying. I'm sure it existed in my day, though I didn't experience it personally and didn't even see much of it being done to others. Sure, kids could be mean and hurtful sometimes, but I don't remember it being anything but stupid. Generally, it was the kids who didn't have much going for them who did the teasing. Most people could kinda turn the other cheek and not let it bother them too much.

If anything, you'd think being teased about being gay would've decreased since the 80's. After all, society as a whole is more accepting of homosexuality nowadays. Why is this happening? Is it because kids tend to come out earlier and are therefore more visible? In my day, there were kids people knew (or suspected) to be gay--and, yes, these kids were more likely to be teased--but no one was really out and proud.

Or are kids just meaner now? Or maybe they are more insecure, and this insecurity leads them to belittle others, thereby making them feel better about their own selves. I don't know.

Much of the problem is with the others: the witnesses, those who stand by and do nothing. Because if bullies were continually alienated and ostracized, then they probably wouldn't do it anymore.

Making real changes is going to take more than being open-minded and silently wearing your purple. We need to step in and actively stop the abuse when we see it. We need to call these bullies out and make it clear that being mean and abusive is not cool or funny or a way to increase popularity.

It's gotta stop, people.