The Swimsuit Conundrum

This summer, a question that's been on my mind is, how old is too old to wear a bikini? Because at some point, even if you've got the body to pull it off, a woman of a certain age wearing a bikini looks inappropriate. I'm just not sure what that age is. (I'm aware that in many parts of the world, older ladies continue to wear two-pieces without shame; but not here.)

I'm concerned because I've always been a bikini girl (my tummy being my least worrisome body part). But now that I'm 41, how much longer can I get away with it? Let's be honest, after having a couple of babies...well, things aren't quite what they used to be. Because although the pages of US Weekly magazine would lead you to believe otherwise, there are very few moms out there who can successfully pull-off a bikini after giving birth. Sure, if you can afford a private chef and daily training sessions, then you too can have six-pack abs like Gwen Stefani post-baby; but for mere mortals, it takes much, much longer (if ever) to get back in shape.

After having my first baby, I was shocked by how long it took for my stomach to stop resembling a lump of Play-Doh. So I bought and wore a one-piece for the first time since I was an insecure teen. Eighteen long months later, I was in decent enough shape to attempt a bikini. Just in time to get pregnant again.

The recovery time for baby #2 was even longer. I was pushing 40 by then and thought perhaps my bikini days were over for good. I suppose I could've just packed it in for good, but decent-quality, cute bathing suits are very expensive, and I would've needed at least three new one-pieces to get me through the summer. Besides, in my closet were a bunch of super-cute, barely worn bikinis that I didn't want to toss just yet. I jumped the gun by wearing one of these suits a year after my daughter was born. I thought I looked okay, but then my friend's four-year-old son asked, "Why does your belly look old?" The bikinis went back into storage.

This summer, two years after baby #2 (and countless sit-ups later), I've been hesitantly wearing bikinis again. I keep thinking back to a trip we made to a resort in the Dominican Republic last March, where the only women over the age of 50 wearing one-pieces were the Americans (okay, probably the British too). Seventy-year-old, barrel-shaped European ladies were walking along the beach, happily wearing bikinis (or topless), not at all concerned that their breasts were down where their waists used to be and pointing toward their feet. I envied their lack of self-consciousness. But I don't live in Europe; I live here, where it's like aging is a disease people pretend not to have.

I'm certain I won't be 70 and still wearing a bikini, but I'm worried I might cross the line and not know it.  After all, who wants to be the inappropriately-dressed middle-aged lady everyone snickers about behind her back? I'm sure there are lots people out there who don't care at all what other folks think of them. I wish I was one of them, but I'm not.